Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat, How I Wonder Where You're At.

My Kids are so much fun. Doesn't every mother think that way though? I love having a son. I never really grew up around boys, so everyday is a surprise. He is like the energizer bunny, goes and goes. Never stops playing. Hes getting braver and braver as well. Doing tricks on his bike and ramp, his scooters and his skateboards. I have to force myself not to over think it or I would be too afraid to let him out the front door in the morning. I cant help but get overwhelmed with all the possibilities of him getting hurt. I think watching my older sister Shelley let her boys loose, showed me that its okay. Sure, they come home with the occasional bump and or bruise. They may have to get staples, stitches, or a cast, but hey, they have to learn sometime, don't they? My girls on the other hand, thats just terrifying and exciting. Chloe is more and more like me everyday. Sometimes that scares me more than anything else, but I know that I have raised her to be not only smart, but to possess high self esteem and a great bond with herself and with me and her dad's. Those were all things that I lacked at her age. And hey, I don't blame her for wanting purple hair. If I thought I could still get away with it, I would too. Savannah, shes her own monster. A lot like me, and a lot like her dad. Silly and goofy and clever. Not afraid of what others think about her. They both know what they want out of life and I have no doubt that they will get it. Sometimes I wish my sisters had known me better when I was younger. Known me different than just the trouble making one. I wish they could have known me at my peak of personality, in my early 20's. I was forced to grow up so fast, with so little guidance, I had to find my own way. The strife and the struggles have done nothing but make me into the brick of a women that I am today. I have to give some credit to my mom and dad too though. I'm more like my Dad than any of my sisters I think.... to me this explains why we bump heads the way we do. And my Mom, well she showed me how to be a great mother. A strong women. A wonderful wife. A loving daughter and sister, even if I don't show that one too well... She is the perfect idol in my book. Its hard not to dwell on all the things I did wrong, that my kids may possibly follow in those footsteps simply because its in there DNA to do so. Even though I was adopted, I know there are things that are just in my blood to be. My whackyness... my different ideas and morals and beliefs. You can take a person away from there bloodline, but you cant take the bloodline out of the person. I hope that the day will come sooner than later when I will be able to forgive and move on... Though I believe I have already in so many ways. Its a great feeling that. Moving on. Letting go of a past that haunts you. Ive always told the girls "sometimes its better to just burn the bridge down and just swim across". And yet, how wonderful would it be to have someone who loves you waiting at the other side. Ive burned several bridges down, and don't regret a one of them. Its like breathing fresh air after years of toxic waist. I never would have imagined how much I just simply adore my little nieces and nephews. I never would have imagined that I would be so excited to have kids, babies and young women as daughters, only to become there own independent selves and take the world on. I will hold my head high, for all my children. This post is nothing but my jotting down my thoughts. I think its nice to do so, journal. Take care everyone, and kiss your babies tonight.